Free my Brain from Migraine Pain

Migraine? Where do I Start?

Do you have migraines?  Severe, disabling head pain, sometimes accompanied by flashing lights and other visual disturbances, usually accompanied by nausea, light and sound sensitivity? If you do, you know how Migraine disease can impact your life.

• The pain can strike at any time.  When it comes, it throbs and pounds on one or both sides of your skull.  
• People around you may not understand.  Most people have headaches, but only 12% of us have Migraine disease.  You may feel guilty and question yourself – are you making too big a deal out of this?  
• Your migraines may seriously impact your ability to perform on your job.  You may risk job loss from frequent unpredictable absences or inability to perform at top productivity.   
• You may be tired of all the wasted hours spent in darkened rooms.  You may despair at your inability to keep the basic routines in your life moving forward.  
• Maybe you have not sought medical help.  Maybe you thought you should be able to handle it on your own.  Maybe you sought medical help but didn’t get it, because your doctor doesn’t understand migraine, or because you were turned away at the emergency room as a drug-seeker.   
• You may be overwhelmed by all there is to manage, even with medical help – treatments, lifestyle changes, remembering all your meds and supplements at the right times, tracking your migraine triggers, recognizing patterns.

And while dealing with all of this, you struggle to remember that you are more than just your migraines.  You are not just a patient, or a chronically ill person.  You are a unique human being with things to contribute, people who love you, talents and strengths.

If you fit these characteristics, the first thing I have to tell you is, there is hope.  While there is no cure for Migraine disease, there are many proven strategies and treatments that can reduce your migraines and enable you to take back your life.  

Many of us struggle along for years, either with or without the diagnosis of “Migraine,” taking pain killers and coping with the migraines when they come, and then something happens.  The pain gets worse, the attacks get more frequent, the symptoms change; suddenly what we always did to cope doesn’t work any more.  We need answers.  We pick up a book, talk to a doctor, search the internet.  And we discover there is a lot of information, a lot of misinformation, and loads of people trying to sell us “cures!”

I wrote the free e-course “The Six Keys to Manage Your Migraines and Take Back your Life” to help people in that situation – people who are trying to get the information and support they need to cope with, manage, and recover from debilitating migraines.  I wrote it to help people start down the path to managing their migraines and taking back their lives.

In the The Six Keys to Manage Your Migraines and Take Back your Life we discuss:

• What Migraine disease is: the more you know about Migraine, the more power you will have over it.
• How to get good medical support.
• How to recognize your triggers and your early warning system for Migraine.
• The value of a good Migraine calendar and diary.
• Cultivating support systems of people and routines to help you manage your life.
• Using relaxation to calm your nervous system and reduce your migraines.  

I would love to have you use the course as a resource for yourself as you work on managing your migraine disease.  If you’d like to register for The Six Keys to Manage Your Migraines and Take Back your Life just fill out the box at the upper left corner of this page.  The e-course will be delivered to you by email every two days over approximately two weeks.  As you receive each lesson, take some time to think about how it applies in your life, and follow the action steps included in each lesson.  I will be available by email for help and feedback as you work your way through the course.

For over ten years I have worked to help my clients live healthier, more productive lives.  I am certified as a life and business coach; I am also a migraineur.  I have succeeded in reducing my migraine frequency and severity by over 50% through a combination of medication and lifestyle approaches.  I have run my own business for fifteen years while managing Migraine and several other chronic illnesses.  I am committed to helping people live healthy and productive lives, creating a thriving world we all want to live in.  For those of us with Migraine disease, that means more than relief from pain – it also means living the best lives we can, using our talents, and knowing our strengths.  This is the game I love to play.  You can play it with me!

- Megan Oltman

Please come out to play!  

                Cave exit photo courtesy of David Wilmot; Smoo cave waterfall photo courtesy of Subflux

Sit up and Read Blogs! Blog Carnival Time!

Hello dear, readers, I've missed you.  Since I was scraped off the bathroom floor last week I have been sick in bed with the worst case of bronchitis I've seen in many a long year.  More about that later.  (Is that a threat or a promise?)  Today I'm sitting up to read blog carnivals!  There are tons of good reading!

 Posted yesterday, June 9th, there's:

The June Migraine and Headache Blog Carnival.  At The Migraine Girl, where host Janet Geddis treats us to a range of great posts on "How to have a Happy, Healthy Vacation" despite Migraine or headache disease.   Some are practical tips with checklists on being prepared; some are personal experiences of vacations that worked, and vacations that didn't.  There are also  a number of posts on controlling stress, triggers, and emphasizing relaxation, which will serve us well whether we're on vacation or not.   Janet has done a great job of cataloging and describing the posts, and I for one am looking forward to some great reading.

And posted today, June 10th, there's:

The June Living with Pain Blog Carnival.  Hosted by Marijke Durning at Help My Hurt, the scope of the articles is wide, from practical and alternative treatment strategies, to communicating with doctors, discussing the world of health web sites, to meditation and spiritual stories.   Something for everyone who's living with pain.

Wishing you pain free days and nights,

- Megan

                              

Carnival Lights image courtesy of Gilberto Santa Rosa

More Time Management for Migraineurs: Managing the Time we Have

Do try this at home.  And at work.  I wrote a post a while back on How do you Manage Life with Migraine?, about managing our time when migraines interrupt us all the time.  Those of you receiving the newsletter got an expanded version of that post in the article "Time Management for Migraineurs (or, how can you get everything done when you can't get anything done?)." 

The gist of those pieces was that 1) whatever is on your list, you must learn to accept that you will never get it all done; 2) you need to choose what is most important to you and put those things in your schedule first; and 3) if you keep detailed lists of what you are working on, next steps, what you need to handle if you get sick, and what you need to care for yourself, you will best be able to pick up where you left off.  I  recommend Time Management from the Inside Out by Julie Morgenstern, as the best system I have come across for managing your time to make sure that you spend it on what is most important to you.  And as I mentioned last week, Teri Robert has taken this idea of list-making and planning for Migraines much further in the helpful article MAPP Your Migraine!

All of that said, it occurred to me last week that I had left an important piece out.  This may look like a blinding flash of the obvious, but it hit me that a key piece to making this all work is that we can only manage the time we have.  Please don't say "Duh" yet.  Take a moment to let this sink in.

I read an intriguing post on How to Cope with Pain earlier this month, called Time Management and Pain.  What intrigued me was that rather than laying out any nitty-gritty on scheduling and managing time, the article focused on "pacing ourselves and keeping stress to a minimum."  In other words, to manage time, we need to manage our own, often over-achieving and denial-ridden, selves! 

We can only manage the time we have.  I looked back over my Migraine and Wellness calendars for the last 5 years.  I'm happy to say that my time spent incapacitated by Migraine and my other illnesses decreased over those 5 years from 27% of the time to 22% of the time.  I have focused on increasing that trend, with mixed results.  I go up and down; there are months where I'm down more than I'm up.  What I have not always remembered is that, however you slice it, I will be down for the count about 25% of the time. 

When I look at a beautiful, clear, blank work week in my calendar, I can't say, "Oh, goody, 50-60 working hours to schedule into!"  Into that week I need to put all of the things that allow me to maintain my health, to pace myself and keep stress to a minimum.  For me that includes exercise every day that I am capable of doing it.  It includes 20 minutes of meditation or relaxation practice every day.  It includes eating lunch away from my desk - taking breaks that are real breaks.  And once I have put all those things in, that help me keep stress down and stay well, I still only have about 75% of the remaining time available for my work! 

This means if I set deadlines for myself, I set them taking that percentage of time into consideration.  It means when I block out my week, I leave blocks of "not working" time.  It means when I come right down to it, I have about 27 hours of productive working time that I can count on in a week.   Now I'm not a workplace productivity expert, but I have worked in a lot of places, for others and for myself, and I don't think many people are really productive much more of their time than that. 

I have felt such freedom since I have been scheduling this way!   My productive time tends to be really productive; I stay focused on what I've set out to accomplish in that time, knowing that I have a reasonable  break coming.  I can use my "not-working" time for those water-cooler type conversations we tend to have at work, or for actual work if I choose.  Of course I can't control that I will schedule my migraines into the hours I have allotted, but there's room in the schedule to rearrange things when I do get sick.  And when I am sick I don't worry about what's not getting done.  Without the added stress of that worry, I can recover faster.

Since I am self-employed, I know I have more freedom around these issues than some of you who hold down "regular" jobs.  But you can find ways to use these ideas.  It may be about how you approach your time away from work.  It may be about how you pace yourself at work.  Please share your thoughts on managing the time you actually have!

- Megan

              

Alternatives to Compact Fluorescents - for Migraineurs and the Rest of You!

I posted last week about compact fluorescents and their impact on some migraineurs, epileptics, people with lupus and possibly other conditions.  While we work on getting Congress to amend the law which would phase out sales of incandescent bulbs by 2012, here are some thoughts about energy saving alternatives you can use at home.  Thanks to my friend Dave Cohen, of DEC Architect, an architect specializing in green design, for these suggestions.

1. Turn your lights down low - installing and using dimmers with your incandescent bulbs can save a surprising amount of energy.  Using a light bulb at 75% of full wattage can actually cut electricity use by 50%!  If you're like me, you prefer the lights on the low side to ward off migraines anyway. 
2. Pull your window curtain - use natural light as much as possible!  If you are doing new construction, build to take advantage of natural light with the orientation of your windows and use of reflective surfaces to catch and multiply that natural light.  Even with existing windows, let as much light in as possible, and do what you can to reflect it back around the room.
3. Shine the light up - (sorry I ran out of Bob Marley references there) torchiere style halogen lights can illuminate a room with less wattage than an incandescent.  Halogens are one of the lower energy use lighting sources that are under further development.  Shining the light up on the ceiling spreads it; it is also easier on migraine brains than light shining down into our eyes.
4. Light up with LEDs - LEDs are another alternative technology which are being further developed.  You know, those bright little green, blue, etc, lights?  I know some migraineurs have trouble with LEDs, which can be very bright.  An LED light which can be dimmed would be a great alternative.  (They could also save a lot of energy by removing the LED lights on my computer power cord, so my darn room could actually be dark at night.)

Any more energy saving, migraine friendly lighting tips?  Please share them in the comments.  Thanks to Dave Hobbs and his comment on the last post, for inspiring this post!

- Megan

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine (but not too brightly...)

How do you manage life with Migraine?

Fine, thank you, how do you? Oh, sorry, wrong tape…

How do you manage life with migraines? With many interruptions. With difficulty. Intermittently. With ridiculous persistence and hope. Occasionally, with grace.

But, how? You want the nitty-gritty? It’s a lot like managing anything else. I’ve been coaching people for years in how to manage a small business, how to manage themselves to grow their business and have the life they want. You manage by having systems. By:

1) taking the great long overwhelming list of all the everything that goes into your enterprise and sorting it into categories,

2) listing out the individual tasks in each category,

3) creating the ongoing schedule of the tasks that need to be accomplished at regular intervals,

4) listing the one time, current tasks,

5) prioritizing those tasks and scheduling them,

6) listing any background preparation or materials needed before doing the tasks,

      7) listing likely follow-up that will have to be done after the tasks, and

      8) creating checklists.

No matter how difficult or overwhelming something seems, it can be managed if broken down into tasks, and if each of those tasks is further analyzed for preparation and follow-up tasks. This works for a business enterprise; it works just as well for enterprise YOU – the enterprise of your life.

But my head hurts! Yup. Mine too. That’s why when I take to my bed with migraine, my computer or at least a lined pad of paper goes with me. Unless I am too sick to have any light on, or think at all (and that certainly does happen), I lie down thinking, “what do I have to handle, make sure of, not forget, or reschedule?” And as soon as I’ve answered the question, I can give myself over to whatever I need to do to get better. It’s like calling in sick for your life. If I am going to help my (actual) headache get better, I have to be able to let go of as many as possible of the figurative “headaches” called running a life. 

I need to have all the medications I need close to hand. I need to make sure people will be fed, whether or not I’m doing the cooking (maybe I’m just asking someone else to handle it). I need to cancel appointments, or have someone else do it for me. I need to remember to call the doctor, or whoever else I really should be calling. If I can’t stay in bed, if buying the groceries or getting the kids somewhere, or going to work simply cannot be avoided, I need a checklist for that too. That’s the absolute minimum checklist. What’s the absolute minimum list of tasks I cannot avoid doing?

When I’m having a migraine, my brain doesn’t work too well. If the pain is bad enough, there’s nothing to do but lie still and try to sleep. If it’s not that bad, I still live in an extended state of “Ummmm…”  If all I need to do is take meds, I still need a list of them or I will forget.

So I try to invent all my checklists ahead of time. Healthy day checklists – including what I need to do daily to stay healthy. Sick day checklists. Preparation lists and schedules, to refill prescriptions, to keep what I need on hand.

How do you take something as unpredictable and disruptive as a life with migraine disease and be systematic about it?  With many interruptions. With difficulty. Intermittently. With ridiculous persistence and hope. Occasionally, with grace.

- Megan Oltman

Today I've got a cold, or sinus infection, or migraine brewing, or some combination thereof.   Anybody's guess.  Taking it slow, checking my lists.  Such is (my) life.

Calming down the migraine brain

Several people have asked me lately about relaxation techniques. If stress is our enemy, we need to relax, yes? But if we strive and worry about whether we’re relaxing, we tense up. Raise your hand if this applies to you. My hand is up. Luckily there are some very simple techniques you can use to begin to practice relaxation. 

Relaxing is not the same as doing fun things – fun things may or may not be relaxing. When I had my first job out of college I used to go to the video parlor on my lunch hour and play PacMan (yes, I am that old). I would return to work with my wrists and hands asleep, so stressed out I could barely cope. I learned eventually that video games are not relaxing for me!

Our nervous systems have two components – the sympathetic and the parasympathetic. The sympathetic nervous system controls stress – this is where our flight or fight response comes from. The parasympathetic nervous system controls relaxation, which is often neglected in a busy twenty-first century life. We can build the tone of our parasympathetic nervous system in many ways, including through deep breathing, meditation, moderate exercise, yoga and movement, stretching, reading a good book, having an enjoyable conversation, playing with children or animals, being out in nature, loving touch or sexual contact. If we take some time to strengthen our relaxation “muscles” daily, we improve our ability to handle stress. According to Dr. Ian Livingstone, studies showed a 40% reduction in migraines in those practicing regular relaxation.

So here are a few ways to get started:

1. Sit comfortably with your back supported, legs uncrossed, hands on your knees. Close your eyes. Breathe in deeply through your nose, for a slow count of three. As you inhale, allow your abdomen to inflate like a balloon. Then breathe out through your mouth for a count of five, gently pulling in your abdominal muscles as you exhale. Gently concentrate on your breathing. If you find yourself thinking of other things, don’t get upset with yourself. Gently remind yourself to focus on your breathing. Try doing this for five minutes at first. Each day you can increase the time.

2. Lie on your back, legs uncrossed, arms resting comfortably at your sides. Bring your awareness to your feet. Notice how they feel, any discomfort. As you breathe in, imagine silver light being pulled with your breath into the soles of your feet. If there is any pain or discomfort in your feet, imagine that you are exhaling it out as you breathe. Next notice your ankles. Breathe in and pull the silver light up into your ankles. Breathe out any pain or discomfort. Continue to gently pull the silver light up through your body, being aware of each part of the body in turn and blowing pain or discomfort out with your breath. If pain still remains, don’t fight it or worry about it. Just keep breathing the light into your body and exhaling out the pain. Continue until your body is glowing from head to toe. You may want to do this in bed to help you fall asleep. 

3. Take a walk and practice keeping your awareness in your body as you walk – the way your muscles feel when they move, the way your feet hit the ground. Be aware of the rhythm of your breath and the rhythm of your walking. Look at any trees or plants, any living things or natural features you pass – fully observe them as you pass. If you find your mind getting busy, working or worrying at anything, gently return your attention to your body and to the trees, ground, plants, rocks or sky. If you are walking in the city be aware of the sky, the wind, any elements of the natural world.    

Give these techniques a try and let me know what you think!

- Megan Oltman

Not trying to be stressless, but to stress less!

 

"Breaking the Headache Cycle"

Breaking the Headache Cycle by Ian Livingstone, M.D. and Donna Novak, R.N.

When my migraine pattern suddenly shifted from once month or less to three to four times per week, I went to see Dr. Livingstone. When I first saw him in August of 2004, it was six months after I had two episodes of anaphylactic shock, caused by ibuprofen. I was a little gun-shy of trying new medications. I did agree to try Imitrex – I needed to be able to abort my attacks. But instead of preventive medications, Dr. Livingstone suggested that I get into a regular relaxation routine – using deep breathing, meditation and guided imagery to strengthen my nervous system’s relaxation response.

I first read the book at that time: Breaking the Headache Cycle: A Proven Program for Treating and Preventing Recurring Headaches.  I took on practicing meditation daily, and after about six months I found my migraines reduced to 2 or 3 per month. The methods outlined in the book were very effective for me, in combination with the migraine abortive, to reduce my migraines to a manageable level.

The authors say migraineurs' nervous systems are “very reactive to any change, even good change. This sensitivity is the hallmark of the migraine condition. Unless it is understood and recognized, the migraine disorder cannot be adequately treated.”

If our nervous systems are over-responsive, it makes sense that relaxation and meditation will calm down the responsiveness of the nervous system. Dr. Livingstone cites studies showing that preventive medications reduce migraine about 40% on average (the book was published in 2003 - there may be more up to date statistics on this); and other studies showing that a regular relaxation practice reduces migraines 40% on average. Is it a safe bet to say if doing both, we might reduce migraine 80%? That's a number I could be very happy with!

Many times I pause and do deep breathing when I first feel pain in my head, or even just when I feel my tension mount.  This often down-shifts me from a budding migraine back to a state of no head pain.  I have come to be able to notice when I am getting too excited or too engaged - it's not just negative stress that can trigger me! Not surprisingly, when I got out of the habit of practicing regular relaxation, my migraines increased again. As tricky as it is to remember to take a variety of medications, in the right amounts, at the right times, I think it is even more challenging to establish and keep a routine of putting the busy concerns of life aside and take time out to look inward, breathe deep, become aware of the body, calm oneself, and relax.

I came to these methods already convinced – I was not a stranger to yoga, meditation and relaxation. I had practiced yoga in many periods in my life, starting in my teens, and meditation and guided imagery from my early twenties. Later, as a life and business coach, I have used meditation and guided imagery with my clients to help them get clear about issues that were stopping them, and to visualize what they wanted in their lives. So I wasn’t surprised that this practice would aid with migraine disease as well. The challenge is keeping it in my life as all the demands of life crowd in. The reward is getting to know my own system really well, and gaining at least a little bit of control over it.

By the way, I think preventive medication is a great thing, and many migraineurs find a lot of success with it. I may be headed down that path myself, as my migraine pattern has changed and my treatment will need to change too. But I’ll always keep relaxation as part of my routine.  It makes me feel good!

- Megan Oltman

Nothing to gain from pain!

Migraine Management - My Other (other, other, other) Full Time Job

A week or two ago I posted about living healthy - a few comments there got me thinking (again) about just how challenging this is.  Getting it all right really does feel like a full-time job.  It's time-consuming-picky-detail-oriented, and doesn't fit with the way most "normal" people live their lives.  (By the way, I'm still interested in finding one of those "normal" people - if you spot one, let me know!)

This morning I am off to the doctor for a general health consult.  I have a lot of questions for him and wanted to go in when I wasn't feeling awful, for once, and would be more able to pay attention.  I'm feeling okay today - not great but okay.  Okay is good, I can live with it.   So I have been preparing for the appointment: printing out the last 9 months of my "wellness calendar."  Here's what January looked like:  I color in days when I feel great as pink (when "I'm in the pink") - I only had one of those.  Days when I am sick but functioning are orange; when I am functioning about half-way are red; totally out for the count are brown.  I had a very red and orange January, luckily no brown days.

So then I printed out the narrative part for the last month, that shows how much I slept, what changes I made to my diet, details of my migraines and sinus infections.  I printed my checklists for caring for myself when I have a sinus infection or migraine, so the doctor can review them.   I wrote out my questions.  Here's what my desk looks like right now.  The yellow book in the pile is Breaking the Headache Cycle by Ian Livingstone, M.D.  I don't think messy desks are identified in there as a migraine trigger, but it still seems ironic!

I got up at 6:10 to get the kids' breakfast and get the younger one off on the bus (the older gets herself off on the bus - let's be clear about that).  I dealt with dishes and then went back to sleep for 45 minutes since I'd had only 6 1/2 hours of sleep which is a pretty reliable migraine trigger for me.  But when I got up again there was only time to prepare for the doctor and write to you here.  So I have not done my meditation/relaxation practice for the day or gotten my exercise, both of which are important to keep myself healthy and resistant to migraine triggers.  I'm going to have to fit them in this afternoon, when I will also be worrying about getting all my work done for the day.  Stress alert!

I so want to be perfect at my treatment plan and know perfectly (!) well I've never been perfect at much of anything.  It reminds me of one of those annoying parabolas (or was it a hyperbola?) from Trigonometry - approaching zero but never reaching it.  The ridiculous emotional see-saw of trying to do it all but without stressing about it.  Time for the Serenity Prayer again.  Time for the rainbow picture again - the perfect rainbow over the field outside my window - reminding me of the return of hope.  What would we do without it?

- Megan Oltman
Hurrying up without Being in a Hurry!

Migraine Early Warning System

One of the first things you learn when you started dealing with your migraines is to identify and avoid triggers. I learned this shortly after a murderous 5 day migraine I had in Arizona – I was at higher altitudes than I was used to, and there were forest fires all week, exposing me to lots of smoke. I was drinking way more coffee than usual to keep up with a busy vacation schedule with lots of driving. Voila – smoke + altitude + excess caffeine = nasty head-banging five day migraine. For those of you living in Arizona – I don’t hold it against you or your state! It’s a beautiful corner of the world and I wish I had been able to visit with less pain. I saw Sedona in a migraine-fog – I understand it actually looks something like this:

Anyway this experience started me on an important inquiry – what are my triggers, and how can I avoid them?

There are common migraine triggers and then the ones that seem relatively unique to each of us. For one it’s eating dairy, drinking wine, for another flashing lights, particular smells, loud music, smoke, being startled, being in a crowd of loudly talking people, the bright packaging at the supermarket, the tv. It’s important to know what your migraine triggers are. If your brain is a loaded gun, ready to fire off with a migraine, and you know what pulls the trigger, that helps, right? You can avoid the triggering event or substance and reduce the likelihood that you’ll get a migraine.

Some lifestyle changes may be necessary to avoid triggers.  Get into a regular sleep routine.  Stop eating dairy. Stay away from places with flashing lights. Avoid smokers.  (Just for instance.  For a complete list of common triggers, visit mymigraineconnection here.) If you live with a smoker, you may need to an agreement that he or she won’t smoke in the house. If you smoke yourself, you may need to make a major change! If your kid’s hard rock music does it, you may need to have some rules around when and how loud it can be on. But some triggers are unavoidable, and we can’t avoid all of them all the time.

So I started asking myself – those may be the triggers, but what loaded the gun in the first place? By the way, it’s most unfair of me to be comparing our unique, sensitive and brilliant brains to  guns. I hate guns. But we can’t deny the violence of the migraine. And even if you are a gun owner, I think we’d all agree that you’ve got to keep the thing unloaded around the house to avoid tragic accidents. So what loaded my migraine gun, and how can I keep it unloaded?

Migraine is a response to triggering stimuli. Current thinking is that stress itself is not a trigger but may predispose us to be more vulnerable to our triggers. You can read more about that here. For me, over-stimulation itself is enough of a stress to tip me over into migraine, even if I’m not aware of any other triggers. On some stereo speakers you can turn the volume way up, others you will blow out by turning them up high. Our brains have the blow-out factor set way lower than the other 88 – 90% of the population. So, I say when we are stressed for a long period of time without relief, when we are highly stimulated without relief or let-down, we are loaded for migraine. We may have an ability to go into hyper-drive, to perform effectively, rapidly and intensely. But the more we do that, the more often and the longer duration, the more likely we are to load ourselves for a migraine explosion.

It takes more attention, more thought, more observation and introspection to determine your early warning signs than to determine your triggers. The good news is that if you do get attuned to them, you have a much higher likelihood of avoiding the migraine altogether. When I took on a daily relaxation practice, doing deep breathing and meditation to calm my system down every day, I reduced my migraines. When I got out of practice, the migraines started increasing again.

So what’s your early warning system?  For me it’s a tightness in the shoulders and neck that moves up into my head. Also a sense of agitation – moving and thinking really fast.  What are the signs for you that come before the triggers, the ones you have the best chance of diffusing? Please leave me a comment to let me know what you think.

(This is supposed to be a picture of your nervous system when it's all calm and serene, but Thor looks like he's ready to play.  Imagine him curled in a furry purring ball.)

- Megan

Hoping you catch your signals before the guns go off

stereo speakers courtesy of  Valerie Everett

Do I have migraines, or do they have me?

(or – I wish there was another word for sorry!)

I work with people with chronic conditions, and we talk about this – do I have the disease, or does the disease have me?  I also work with small business owners and I ask them – “do you have the business, or does the business have you?” Maybe having a business is a form of chronic disease. If so I’ve got another one to add to my list! But I digress…

My buddies on the mymigraineconnection forum were having a discussion today about apologizing for the effects of our migraines. I think we’re in agreement that there are a couple of meanings of the word “sorry.” One is to apologize, but another is to say “I feel for you” or “I am sad that you feel that way.” When someone experiences the death of a loved one we say “I am sorry for your loss,” but we don’t mean that we are feeling personally responsible for the death. I think English needs another word for sorry! 

The famous quote from Erich Segal’s Love Story is “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I’ve always had a hard time with that line, but I don’t think Segal meant that we can do whatever we like to those we love without acknowledgement. I think he meant that forgiveness is part of loving someone. And even if we can expect forgiveness from those we love, love still needs to be nurtured and watered and fed, like any living thing, or it can wither. I think part of how we nurture and feed those we love is to acknowledge the pain they feel for our pain, the huge help they are for us, the disappointment, inconvenience and extra work our disease causes. So if I say “I’m sorry” when my husband brings me up a meal on a tray, or when I have to ask my son not to play drums right now, or I can’t take my daughter out shopping, what I really mean is “this disease stinks. I wish I didn’t have it and I wish I didn’t have to ask you these things.”

In Emotional Intelligence author Daniel Goleman talks about the ability to stand back from our emotions and observe them. This ability is what gives us some perspective, some emotional intelligence – when we can “count to 10” instead of reacting right away, we have some power over what we feel. So to tie this in with feeling sorry, maybe when we say “I’m sorry,” when someone brings us a glass of water, we’re separating ourselves from the migraine disease – we’re saying “I am not my disease. I have migraines but they don’t have me. I wish I didn’t have them – but there is a me here, completely separate from the disease, who regrets the trouble and sorrow the disease brings.” 

My heart goes out to those in constant pain, in part because of this – the more pain, the more constant, the harder it is to keep that healthy perspective. When I can remember that I am not the migraine, the migraine doesn’t have me, that’s when I can take back my life.

- Megan Oltman

With enormous love and gratitude for Danny, Rachel, Adam, Mom & Dad, my siblings and in-laws and the many other family members and friends who bring me glasses of water, literal and figurative.

Lunch tray courtesy of Wordridden/Jessica
Glass of water courtesy of Venkane/Nevena